To look back and reflect on the season of divorce, for me, is still surreal. Deeply rooted in the belief that my testimony will help another avoid some of the mistakes made, or heal through the hurt is truly part of what birthed Burden & Pupose.
A sound bite that I’ve recently heard that’s resonated with me has had me run through a number of my experiences growing up, “More is caught than is taught”.
When there aren’t a temendous amount of positive examples of what marriages and relationships are supposed to look like, for me I can honestly say that my “true north” was misguided.
A mentor of mine shared an article with me recently. Hannah and Fard Bell. The “Happily Divorced Couple”. After spending 13 years together as life partners, they celebrated their divorce, and shared 5 lessons they learned in a penned letter…
It’s official. Yesterday our divorce was finalized. After our court hearing we had a celebratory lunch together, ringing in our next season of life as friends and co-parents.
As we reflected on our 13 years of marriage, together we came up with 5 marital lessons we learned along the way:
1) Take the time to REALLY get to know yourself, your purpose, your vision, your priorities, and your core values before committing yourself to someone else for life. Get clear on your non-negotiables and on your deal breakers before saying “I Do”. Otherwise, your newfound vision can create division if it’s not in alignment.
2) Even if you believe you heard from God, there’s no need to rush to the altar. Take your time and enjoy the process of courtship, or you’ll find yourself getting to know each other after you’re already married.
3) Before getting married, make sure your priorities are compatible and don’t ignore core value differences. While marriage takes compromise, there are some things that can’t be compromised. Eventually, either you’ll try to be someone you’re not, or you’ll try to change the other person into someone they’re not and it won’t work.
4) Marriage takes work. Don’t underestimate the amount of work that it takes to build a strong marriage. Go to marriage seminars together before getting married, learn what it really takes, and make sure you’re both willing to put in the work together. If you don’t grow together you’re gonna grow apart.
5) Hindsight is 20/20. We may not be able to change the past, but what we can do is make the best of our current situation and of the future, out of love and respect for ourselves and for our son. Life doesn’t always work out exactly how we planned, but God can still get the glory from our story.
We truly believe all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. God can still make something Good out of our situation. We are both proud of the life we built together over the past 13 years. And through this marriage the most wonderful miracle was born, Jacob Victorious Bell. And for that we will always be grateful.
So here’s to new seasons, fresh starts, and new normals.
(Btw, no need to choose sides. You can love us both equally!!
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Lessons learned should always be shared.
